the third decade of being

30 things I learned in my twenties

I compiled this list on my 30th birthday in the spring of this year, when the lilacs were blooming and the air carried a lightness to it. It is a gift to age, to grow internally as well.

1. Deeply caring about what people think of you will keep you from exploring and meeting your truest self. To be held back by the “criticism” of others will keep you living smaller than life is asking you to live.

2. People can’t always go as deeply as you want them to. We grow at different times and touch into parts of ourselves only when it is right for us to. We can’t see what we don’t see. What one offers you is everything they can in the place that they’re at. It doesn’t say anything more than that. If we understand that, we can leave with grace.

3. You can fall in love with everyone, but you don’t always have to. Leave loving some people to the imagination.

4. The way someone treats you is very often a reflection of where they’re at with themselves. We are full of projections from our childhood and teen years, often acting out of self protection. Not everything is so personal.

5. “Bad” feelings aren’t always bad. All feelings are meant to be felt. When we learn how to process them in more balanced and healthy ways they can serve us.

6. “No” is a full sentence.

7. You can change your mind at any time about the path of your life. Nothing is certain. Nothing is promised eternally. Pivot towards the heart’s calling.

8. Let yourself be bad at something so you can learn to play freely with no expectation. Enter a child-like trance of joy.

9. Romantic love actually isn’t everything, believe it or not. Cherish your friends and your family. Don’t forget to make time for them.

10. What you fear has something to teach you.

11. The purpose is in the small moments of life, not the big ones. When in life have you felt the most profound joy? What has swirled up that heart feeling?

12. Journaling can save your life. Buy a moleskine and a pen you favor. Keep it next to your bed, in your car, in your bag. Make time every few days (or every day if you can) to dive within and pull anything out. Dreams, desires, drama, conversations, imagined fights, beautiful moments down to the tiniest details. Write a letter of forgiveness. Write a letter of anger. Write about the same feeling for 12 days straight until something clicks. Let no one ever read it. Keep it sacred. Let it be your best friend.

13. It does actually get better.

14. Healing is like a spiral staircase leading you deeper into yourself. You may find yourself circling the same views, the same dramas, the same reactions at different points in your life with a slightly different perspective. This can be the catalyst for change.

15. Sometimes it can be your fault. That’s okay. To be human is to be complex, emotional, in flow. We can hurt others without meaning to. And then we can apologize genuinely.

16. Vulnerability is the path to a deep life. Permanent, solid walls only keep you away from the world.

17. You can forgive and still not allow that person back in your life. Forgiveness is for yourself to be free from the pain and the past. It never has to be spoken about. And it can be done at any time.

18. You will get over/through what you didn’t think you could.

19. There is a magic to the universe. We all have different names for the same thing. Sometimes you find it in church, in meditation, in nature. I find it in writing and leaving space open for the divine to come.

20. Get out of your bed, open a window, do the hard thing.

21. Offering healing to others will heal parts of yourself. Shared wisdom can be a gift to yourself, too.

22. Not everyone who comes into your life has the same intentions as you. We often learn this after the fact and that’s okay.

23. It is almost always better to be kind. Unless someone is really fucking with you, then set a harsh boundary out of love for yourself.

24. You can do the things you didn’t think you were capable of.

25. Being creative is being in touch with the spirit within.

26. Live in a way that your child self would be happy about, and stand up for yourself in a way that your teenage self wishes she could’ve.

27. Unattended to hurt creates a cycle, like a tornado unexpectedly taking in by-standers.

28. Taking care of plants will help you take care of yourself.

29. You have to include yourself in your circle of world-wide compassion. You have to have true compassion for yourself first. You can begin with compassion for others, as many seem to do, but don’t neglect your own being in the process.

30. In certain ways you will look back and see that you’ve turned into someone you have always desired to be. This is a gift.