books as saviors, books as mirrors, books as catalysts for transformation

a list of nonfiction book recommendations and their marked words

I’ve read these books at different points over the past 15 years, each one coming to me at the right time, like a gift. Some were tucked in my parents’ bookshelf, others discovered through late nights reading quotes online or TED talks. I love books by bringing a pen to their pages, by folding corners, leaving hearts. I love books by carrying them in my bag for months, leaving the covers ripped and dirtied. If it is loved to the core then it will look like it. These books were my companions, my awakenings, pathways to my own truths that I needed to discover. I can’t remember the exact moments that I held each one for the first time but every underlined sentence is a window into the house of my past. A house with many rooms holding many emotions and questions. In moments of grief, heartbreak, feeling directionless, stuck in anxiety, fearing vulnerability and love these writers gave me fragments of healing over and over. They opened doors inside of myself and cleared pathways to others. I hope they can do the same for you.

Here are quotes from each that have been marked in my copies:

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl, published in 1946

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. And there were always choices to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom; which determined whether or not you would become the plaything of circumstance, renouncing freedom and dignity to become molded into the form of the typical inmate. … Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him — mentally and spiritually.”

“If there is meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering.”

“This uniqueness and singleness which distinguishes each individual and gives a meaning to his existence has a bearing on creative work as much as it does on human love. When the impossibility of replacing a person is realized, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence and its continuance to appear in all its magnitude. A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows “why” for his existence, and will bear almost any “how.””

“(What you have experienced, no power on earth can take from you.) Not only our experiences, but all we have done, whatever great thoughts we may have had, and all we have suffered, all this is not lost, though it is past; we have brought it into being. Having been is also a kind of being, and perhaps the surest kind.”

“The meaning of life always changes, but that it never ceases to be.”

“Now what is melancholia if not some sort of emotional low tide?”

The Lazy Man’s Guide to Enlightenment by Thaddeus Golas, published in 1972

“Perhaps many of us do not like it where we are in the universe now, but we can be certain that we got where we are by our own decision to expand in love or withdraw from it.”

“Enlightenment is the very process of expanding, not of arriving at a different set of limits.”

“Love as much as you can from wherever you are.”

Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke, published in 1929

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.”

“What is necessary, after all, is only this: solitude, vast inner solitude. To walk inside yourself and meet no one for hours — that is what you must be able to attain.”

“You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall.”

“It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation. That is why young people, who are beginners in everything, are not yet capable of love: it is something they must learn. With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered around their solitary, anxious, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love. But learning-time is always a long, secluded time, and therefore loving, for a long time ahead and far on into life is, —: solitude, a heightened and deepened kind of aloneness for the person who loves. Loving does not mean at first merging, surrendering, and uniting with another person (for what would a union be of two people who are unclarified, unfinished, and still incoherent—?), it is a high inducement for the individual to ripen, to become something in himself, to become world, to become world in himself for the sake of another person; it is a great, demanding claim on him, something that chooses him and calls him to vast distances. Only in this sense, as the task of working on themselves, may young people use the love that is given to them. Merging and surrendering and every kind of communion is not for them (who must still, for a long, long time, save and gather themselves); it is the ultimate, is perhaps that for which human lives are as yet barely large enough.”

Daring Greatly by Brené Brown, published in 2012

“Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: Who has earned the right to hear my story?”

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each of them — we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive if they are acknowledged, heal, and rare.”

“When we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be.”

“To feel is to be vulnerable … To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.”

“My hope is that a peek inside the armory will help us to look inside ourselves. How do we protect ourselves? When and how did we start using these defense mechanisms? What would it take to make us put the armory away?”

“Numbing vulnerability is especially debilitating because it doesn’t just deaden the pain of our difficult experiences; numbing vulnerability also dulls our experiences of love, joy, belonging, creativity, and empathy. We can’t selectively numb emotion. Numb the dark and you numb the light.”

The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching by Thich Nhat Hanh, published in 1997

“Looking deeply requires courage.”

“Don’t throw away your suffering. Touch your suffering. Face it directly, and your joy will become deeper. You know that suffering and joy are both impermanent. Learn the art of cultivating joy.”

“When was the last time you looked into the eyes of your beloved and asked, “Who are you, my darling?” Don’t be satisfied by a superficial answer. Ask again: “Who are you who has taken my suffering as your suffering, my happiness as your happiness, my life and death as your life and death? My love, why aren’t you a dewdrop, a butterfly, a bird?” Ask with your whole being. If you do not give right attention to the one you love, it is a kind of killing. When you are in a car together, if you are lost in your thoughts, assuming you already know everything about her, she will slowly die. But with mindfulness, your attention will water the wilting flower.. With attention you will be able to discover many new and wonderful things… If you do not practice appropriate attention, how can you say you love her?”

“Understanding is the very foundation of love. When you understand someone, you cannot help but love him or her.”

“As the bird flies over the lake, its reflection is lucid. After it is gone, the lake reflects the clouds and the sky just as clearly. When we practice active concentration, we welcome whatever comes along. We don’t think about or long for anything else. We just dwell in the present moment with all our being. Whatever comes, comes. When the object of our concentration has passed, our mind remains clear, like a calm lake.”

“When a cloud is about to become rain, she is not afraid. She may even be excited. Being a cloud floating in the blue sky is wonderful, but being rain falling on the fields, the ocean, or the mountains is also wonderful. As she falls down as rain, the clouds will sing. Looking deeply, we see that birth is just a notion and death is a notion. Nothing can be born from nothing.”

The Prophet by Khalil Gibran, published in 1923

“Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.”

“But let there be space in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your soul. Fill each other’s cups but drink not from one cup.”

“Work is love made visible.”

“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. … When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

“And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.”

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”

“The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.”

Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab, published in 2021

“The root of self-care is setting boundaries.”

“The hardest thing about implementing boundaries is accepting that some people won’t like, understand, or agree with yours. Once you grow beyond pleasing others, setting your standards becomes easier. Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships.”

“Know that the damage wasn’t caused by your boundary. The relationship was already unhealthy, and your boundary brought to the surface the issues that needed to be addressed. Setting limits won’t disrupt a healthy relationship.”

Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, published in 1992

“We know the soul-spirit can be injured, even maimed, but it is very nearly impossible to kill.”

“The cure for both the naive woman and the instinct-injured woman is the same: Practice listening to your intuition, your inner voice; ask questions; be curious; see what you see; hear what you hear; and then act upon what you know to be true. These intuitive powers were given to your soul at birth. They have been covered over, perhaps by years and years of ashes and excrement. This is not the end of the world, for these can be washed away. With some chipping and scraping and practice, your perceptive powers can be brought back to their pristine state again.”

“To be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves.”

“Every action begins with strengthening the spirit.”

“A lover has to be chosen from soul-craving.”

“Nature does not ask permission. Blossom and birth whenever you feel like it.”

“What must I give more death to today, in order to generate more life? What do I know should die, but am hesitant to allow to do so? What must die in me in order for me to love? What not-beauty do I fear? Of what use is the power of the not-beautiful to me today? What should die today? What should live? What life am I afraid to give birth to? If not now, when?”

“The person who might take us out of the ice, who might even psychically free us from our lack of feeling, is not necessarily going to be the one to whom we belong.”

“The most important thing is to hold on, hold out, for your creative life, for your solitude, for your time to be and do, for your very life; hold on, for the promise from the wild nature is this: after winter, spring always comes.”

“There are many ways to go home… Rereading passages of books and single poems that have touched them. Spending even a few minutes near a river, a stream, a creek. Lying on the ground in dappled light. Being with a loved one without kids around. Sitting on the porch shelling something, knitting something, peeling something. Walking or driving for an hour, any direction, then returning. Boarding any bus, destination unknown. Making drums while listening to music. greeting sunrise. Driving out to where the city lights do not interfere with the night sky. Praying. A special friend. Sitting on a bridge with legs dangling over. Holding an infant. Sitting by a window in a cafe and writing. Sitting in a circle of trees. Drying hair in the sun. Putting hands in a rain barrel. Potting plants, being sure to get hands very muddy. Beholding beauty, grace, the touching frailty of human beings.”

“It is better to first ask rage to take a seat with us, have some tea, talk a while so we can find out what summoned this visitor.”

“Most often we wound others where, or very close to where, we have been wounded ourselves.”

Be Here Now by Ram Dass, published in 1971

“You finally understand the message you communicate with another human being has nothing to do with what you say. It has nothing to do with the look on the musculature of your face. It’s much deeper than that. Much deeper! It’s the vibrations that emanate from you!”

“Get free of desire. It’s a little like a roller coaster. This is just the way it works. If you read St. John of the Cross “dark night of the soul” you know how it is. You’ve really been working on yourself and you’re very pure and something very high happens to you. You feel liberated. And then: Your ego walks around and pats you on the shoulder: “Pretty good! Look how holy you’re becoming.” And you fall…again…”

“When you meet a being who is centered you always know it. You always feel a kind of calm emanation. It always touches you in that place where you feel calm. But: You can’t hustle it. You can’t make-believe you’re calm when you’re not. You must center. Find that place inside yourself. You’re doing it from that place.”

“You’ve got to go at the rate you can go. You wake up at the rate you wake up. You’re finished with your desires at the rate you finish with your desires. The disequilibrium comes into harmony at the rate it comes into harmony. You can’t rip the skin off the snake. The snake must moult the skin. That’s the rate it happens.”

“You just love until you and the beloved become one.”

“When you know how to listen everybody is the guru.”

“You’re standing on a bridge watching yourself go by.”

Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, published in 2015

“The universe buries strange jewels deep within us all, and then stands back to see if we can find them. The hunt to uncover those jewels — that’s creative living.”

“A creative life is an amplified life.”

“You can believe that you are neither a slave to inspiration nor its master, but something far more interesting — its partner — and that the two of you are working together toward something intriguing and worthwhile.”

“One of the best descriptions I’ve ver heard of this phenomenon — that is, of ideas entering and exiting the human consciousness at whim — came from the wonderful American poet Ruth Stone… She told me when she was a child growing up on a farm in rural Virginia, she would be out working in the fields when she would sometimes hear a poem coming toward her — hear it rushing across the landscape at her, like a galloping horse.”

“I believe that our planet is inhabited not only by animals and plants and bacteria and viruses, but also by ideas. Ideas are a disembodied, energetic life-form. They are completely separate from us, but capable of interacting with us — albeit strangely. Ideas have no material body, but they do have consciousness, and they most certainly have will. Ideas are driven by a single impulse: to be made manifest. And the only way an idea can be made manifest in our world is through collaboration with a human partner. It is only through a human’s efforts that an idea can be escorted out of the ether and into the realm of the actual. Therefore, ideas spend eternity swirling around us, searching for available and willing human partners… When an idea thinks it has found somebody — say, you — who might be able to bring it into the world, the idea will pay you a visit. It will try to get your attention. Mostly you will not notice. This is likely because you’re so consumed by your own dramas, anxieties, distractions, insecurities, and duties that you aren’t receptive to inspiration. You might miss the signal because you’re watching TV, or shopping, or brooding over how angry you are at somebody, or pondering your failures and mistakes, or just generally really busy. The ideas will try to wave you down (perhaps for a few moments; perhaps for a few months; perhaps even for a few years), but when it finally realizes that you’re oblivious to its message, it will move on to someone else. But sometimes — rarely, but magnificently — there comes a day when you’re open and relaxed enough to actually receive something. Your defenses might slacken and your anxieties might ease, and then magic can slip through. The idea, sensing your openness, will start to do its work on you. It will send the universal physical and emotional signals of inspiration (the chills up the arms, the hair standing up on the back of the neck, the nervous stomach, the buzzy thoughts, that feeling of falling into love or obsession). The idea will organize coincidences and portents to tumble across your path, to keep your interest keen. You will start to notice all sorts of signs pointing you toward the idea. The idea will wake you up in the middle of the night and distract you from your everyday routine. The idea will not leave you alone until it has your fullest attention.”